So you have discovered the term “highly sensitive” and it has been a game changer. You are finally able to understand the emotions and behavior that has been puzzling you for so long. You are excited to start moving in the right direction, but there is one thing standing in your way. Your significant other and/or certain family members do not accept that high sensitivity is a “thing.”
They think you or your child is being dramatic and need to “toughen up.” If you have a highly sensitive child, it may have been suggested that they will “Grow out of it” or that they “Need to be disciplined.” If this sounds familiar then check out these tips for when family members don’t understand or accept the highly sensitive person. You will learn reasons why family may be unaccepting, how to approach them and how to tactfully respond to hurtful comments.
Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or health professional and know that others may have different opinions than my own. This post was gathered from my own experiences, as a highly sensitive person, raising highly sensitive children. Post may contain affiliate links.
How can I get my family to help when they don’t accept it?
This is a question I have seen come up numerous times in my Parents of Highly Sensitive Children Facebook group and so I thought it was time to tackle this head on. Whether it is your significant other, your parents, or other family members, it is frustrating and hurtful when they don’t accept what you are telling them.
First things first, it is okay to feel frustrated and upset. Of all people, you would hope and expect your family members would support you. High sensitivity is a biological trait, not a diagnosis or disorder. Without an official backing from a doctor, it can be even more difficult for some to believe this is a legit trait. There are, however, several resources from licensed psychologists and counselors that can help give authority to what you are saying.
It is so important to keep in mind that their lack of understanding doesn’t mean that they care or love you or your child any less. To move forward with family though, it is essential to get to the root of the problem. Why exactly are they not accepting of high sensitivity? Once you figure this out, you can decide how to best approach them and move forward. Before you write a family member off as being unsupportive, consider that their behavior may be caused by one of the following:
1. Lack of knowledge
It is so easy to judge something that you don’t understand. Try not to confuse a family member’s lack of understanding as a lack of love. Providing your family member with the basic facts about high sensitivity is a start. Don’t overwhelm them with too many details or statistics right away. Offer them a quick high sensitivity cheat sheet or comparison cheat sheet like the ones below. Gauge how open they are to the information and if they seem interested, I would suggest to them some of these resources to educate them further. Another great option is to watch the documentary Sensitive- The Untold Story with family members. This documentary is based on the research of Dr. Elaine Aron, an author/psychologist and pioneer in studying the trait of high sensitivity. It is very well done and gives helpful insights into the trait for non-HSPs.
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2. Fear
This may not be a reason you have considered, but refusing to accept high sensitivity can come from fear. I think this is especially true for a parent of an HSC. They may be afraid of the “label” and what responsibilities come with it. Acknowledging the term means they also have to accept that their child may be viewed in a certain way by others and that their parenting style may need to change. This can be especially hard when it comes to a father/son relationship. A dad may fear the stigma that comes with sensitivity for their son or themselves.
One of the biggest myths of HSPs is that they are weak. In today’s society, the expectation for boys to be “tough,” good at sports and emotionally self-controlled is the norm. A father may find it scary to accept his more emotional, less aggressive son; however living in a world that overwhelms a child on a daily basis requires an amazing amount of strength and courage. It may also cause a father to face the reality that some of the hopes he had for his son, such as playing football, may not be a reality. This is not to say that a highly sensitive people don’t do amazing things!
This is where supportive and effective parenting is crucial. Parents, especially fathers, need to take the time to understand and embrace their sensitive boys. It is important to take an active role in their interests and empathize with them instead of closing them out and becoming unsupportive. Unconditional love and support is essential for helping highly sensitive children thrive! The Strong, Sensitive Boy is a really excellent resource for explaining how important a dad’s role and discipline style is to his sensitive son.
3. Guilt
Are they themselves sensitive? Maybe they feel responsible? A lot of parents have discovered that they themselves are highly sensitive when researching the topic for their child. This can be a wonderful revelation for some, but can be a hard discovery for others who are resistant to the idea of high sensitivity. It is important to educate family members that there is nothing wrong with being sensitive. There are some really amazing benefits to being highly sensitive. Even though high sensitivity is an inherited trait, it doesn’t mean that it has to come directly from a parent. It could also be inherited from a close relative in the family tree. No matter who is or is not highly sensitive, it is important to also understand that how you raise a child has nothing to do with them becoming highly sensitive.
Hurtful comments and how to respond:
It can be hard not to unleash on family members who feel it necessary to give you unsolicited “advice.” I get that. You cannot control what others say to you or your child, but you can choose how you will respond. If you do feel the comment is worth a response, you want to respond firmly, but tactfully. Here are a few ways you can respond that will hopefully put an end to future negative comments. Try these responses or take parts from each and make them your own. If you feel too emotional to respond appropriately in the moment, it is never too late to approach them at a later time to discuss their comments and how it made you/your child feel.
You have to toughen up (toughen him/her up.)
“I understand that your comment is well-intended, but feeling things deeply is not a weakness in my eyes. In fact I think it is as one of my/my child’s greatest strengths.”
You/They are so dramatic.
“I assure you that I/my child is not looking to gain attention, actually the intention is quite the opposite. I/They are easily overwhelmed and feel things very strongly, so sometimes I/they react stronger than most. “
He’ll grow out of it.
“People don’t outgrow innate traits like high sensitivity. I am sure he will learn ways to manage his reactions as he grows, but he/she needs my support and guidance now so that they can handle their strong emotions effectively later.”
It is just attention seeking behavior.
“Thank you for your concern, but I am a very aware of when meltdowns are sensory related and when they are something else.”
He/She needs to be disciplined.
“He/She is overstimulated and is expressing it the only way they know how at this time. I don’t believe in punishing my child for how they feel. We discipline when we feel it is necessary, but this is not one of those times.”
Accept that you can’t make decisions for others
Unfortunately, you might have to face the fact that someone you love is completely closed off to the idea. This is truly unfortunate for them and your family. If you honestly feel that you have done all that you can to educate and understand where their lack of compassion comes from, then the next step has to come from them. It is not possible to make decisions for others. If your efforts to educate and discuss high sensitivity with a family member have fallen flat, it is important to accept that you cannot control people’s choices. This is hard to do, but essential to moving forward.
If you yourself are also highly sensitive, it can be very hard for you to accept a family members lack of compassion; however it is important not to dwell on it for too long. Give it some time to see if anything changes and if not, accept that you have tried your best. Then, turn your focus to those who are supportive and understand.
How to Cope
You now know why family may be unaccepting, how to approach them and how to tactfully respond to hurtful comments. This knowledge can be applied to anyone outside of your family who has trouble understanding you or your child as well.
In the meantime, it is essential for you to surround yourself with supportive people. Focus on those who can and do support you and/or your child. If you are a parent and are interested in talking and getting support in regards to parenting a HSC, I invite you to join our Parents of Highly Sensitive Children Facebook community where you can chat with other parents raising highly sensitive children. Share your story, ask questions, and get feedback from parents going through the same challenges.
Get into the habit of celebrating your/your child’s sensitivity and remind yourself of all the amazing benefits that come with being a highly sensitive person.
What have your experiences been? I would love to hear how your family has responded to the idea of high sensitivity. What worked and didn’t work for you when discussing the topic with family. Please share in the comments below.
Other resources on my blog that may be helpful to you:
How to Help your Sensitive Child Handle Big Emotions
Discipline Strategies for the Sensitive Child
Beginner’s Guide to Understanding High Sensitivity in Children
How to Handle After School Meltdowns with your Child
Gift Guide for the Highly Sensitive Child
5 Myths About the Highly Sensitive Child
Resources for Parents of Highly Sensitive Children
The Power of Play Dates for Anxious and Sensitive Kids
10 Benefits of Being Highly Sensitive
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Love this! My son has sensory issues. He has trouble with anything loud, getting haircuts, he has to wear sunglasses even in dim light. Family members are so condescending. This is helpful. Thank you!
Thank you so much for sharing Alexz. I am so glad that it was helpful to you!