big emotions in highly sensitive child

If you are parenting a highly sensitive child, you probably aren’t a stranger to intense emotions being hurled your way daily. Depending on your child’s age, maturity level, temperament, and ability to communicate their feelings, you may be dealing with some small bumps in the road or full on epic explosions. In this article, I will be discussing how your child’s temperament traits are directly related to their intensity of emotions. I will explain ways to uncover the true causes behind the emotional episodes and also provide strategies to help your sensitive child with their intense and overwhelming emotions.

This post contains referral links. See my disclosure page for more information.

Understanding Temperament Traits

As is the case in any family, some children are going to be easier to parent than others. The same can be said about highly sensitive children (HSCs). Some HSCs are quieter, more cautious and more flexible, while others are more strong-willed, loud and persistent.

In my article, Beginner’s Guide to Understanding High Sensitivity in Children, I explain that each highly sensitive child is unique. Some are extroverts, while others are introverts. One HSC may react to a lot of stimulation with tantrums, while another may shut down and withdraw. Some are more sensitive to new situations and people, while others are more emotionally sensitive.

According to Dr. Elaine Aron, “One reason for the variation among highly sensitive children is that temperament traits seem to be caused by several genes, each having small, cumulative effects.”

It is important to understand that while all HSCs are sensitive to their emotional and physical environment, they will react differently depending on their genetic makeup and other variables. In an effort to understand why your HSC behaves the way they do, you need to also consider their temperament traits. Researchers have come up with nine traits that, by themselves in or a combination with others, can affect how your child responds to different situations. Below I have briefly described each.

Activity or Energy Level

How high or low is your child’s energy level? This can apply to both physical and mental levels of activity.

Adaptability

This refers to how well your child adjust to new situations. Are they slower to adapt to change or are they more go with the flow?

Intensity

The amount of energy that is put into your child’s responses.

Rhythmicity

Do they have high predictability/rhythmicity, whereby they thrive on routine and order? Those with low predictability are less troubled when things don’t go as planned.

FREE HIGHLY SENSITIVE CHILD RESOURCE LIBRARY

Get access to cheat sheets, checklists, and other valuable resources to help highly sensitive children when you sign up to receive my weekly newsletter

Initial Initial Reaction

Are they slow to warm up or more quick to engage?

Sensory threshold

Low sensory threshold is the same as high sensitivity, although it focuses more specifically on the senses than the deeper processing that HSCs tend to do.

Mood

Every child displays many different emotions each day, but some children are predisposed to have a more positive or negative mood. Dr. Aron states in her book, The Highly Sensitive Child, that she believes HSCs are not predominated by any one mood, but that their moods are more affected by life experiences than non-HSCs.

Distractibility

How easily your child is sidetracked.

Persistence

A child’s ability to stick with a task despite frustration, interruptions and distractions.

Overwhelm, Anxiety or Something Else?

Now that you have a better idea of some of the temperament traits your child has, you can take this into account when trying to figure out the true cause behind their emotional episodes. Are these emotional meltdowns and outbursts all due to overstimulation or is something else going on?

Overwhelm

Has your child had a particularly busy day? Have they encountered a lot of people, sights or noise? Has a big change occurred? These types of things can cause HSCs to get too stimulated and therefore can lead to overexcitement, crying or other big emotions.

Anxiety

Is your child struggling with certain fears that are causing him/her to behave in a certain way. Emotional outbursts due to anxiety can often come in the form of anger, aggression, crying, or over excited/hyper behavior.

Something else?

Are they emotional because they witnessed something that was unfair? Did they get hurt? Are they overtired or hungry? Are they bored and looking for attention?

Digging deeper and asking a few questions can help you get to the real reason an emotional outburst or particular behavior is occurring. Questions such as “Are you ready to go home?” Are you worried about (fill in the blank)? or “Do you need me to listen to you?” can help you start to uncover what is truly going on. Plus, it may stop your child from screaming if they are trying to think of a response.

Get down on your child’s level and be sure not to ask too many questions. Ask one at a time and wait for a response. Limit it to as few as possible. Once you know what is causing your child’s big emotions, you can help them more effectively. Be sure to stop if you are not getting any type of response, you can always try again at a later time.

mother and highly sensitive child

How can you help your child when they are overwhelmed by big emotions?

In the moment of an intense emotional outburst, let them fully express what they are feeling. Allow them to get their emotions out. They are not going to be in the right state of mind to be reasoned with or to comprehend anything until after they have expressed themselves. If you are in a public place, try taking them somewhere quiet to calm down.

Give feelings a name

Once your child is calmed down, be sure to label their feelings by saying something like, “I can see that you are feeling mad, sad, jealous, joy, etc.” This will give them the word to put to their emotions. Eventually this will lead to them being able to identify their feelings in the future and communicate them in a more effective manner.

Validate Feelings

No matter how ridiculous or embarrassing you believe their feelings to be in any given situation, it is very important to validate their feelings. Your child needs to feel understood and comfortable with expressing their emotions. Avoid saying hurtful comments like, “Why are you being so sensitive?” or “That is such a silly thing to be upset about.” Instead a positive response that validates feelings could be, “I see that you are really upset about (fill in the blank). I understand how it can make you feel (fill in the blank). What could we do next time to make the situation better?

Be mindful of your reactions and stay in control

When you are validating feelings, it is key to stay calm to best help your child. I completely understand that this is so much easier said than done!!

Children take their cues from their parents, so it is important to take into account how you handle your emotions. Do you withhold them or lose control emotionally? Are you consciously or subconsciously teaching your child that certain feelings are not acceptable. How does your child’s intensity of emotions and outbursts affect you? Highly sensitive children can easily pick up on the emotions of others whether or not they are expressed out loud, so figuring out what can best keep you calm is essential.

As a HSP myself, I struggle with this daily. I have a very hard time when my youngest (my intense HSC) has loud, tear-filled outbursts, especially in public. My body’s initial reaction is to start getting frustrated and stressed. It takes a lot of effort to reel in my own emotions and take a step back. I often find that going to the bathroom or my room for a few minutes where my HSC cannot follow me is the best way to gain control over my actions. I take a few deep breaths and gather my thoughts before I face him.

Honestly, some days are better than others when it comes to my response and as parents we have to remember to give ourselves grace for this. I think a lot of parents feel guilty for feeling frustrated or overwhelmed when dealing with their HSC’s emotions. Don’t be! You’re human and parenting is hard! You are not perfect and you shouldn’t pretend to be for your children.

When I don’t stay completely calm, I make sure to later address my behavior with them if it added to the problem. I also try to label my feelings and explain to them that everyone has trouble staying calm at times. As parents I think we should keep reminding ourselves that when our child is out of control, we need to do our best to stay in control to avoid a worse situation. It won’t always happen, but we are a work in progress too!

HSC quote

Don’t take it personally

Your child is not intentionally trying to upset or hurt you. They are releasing their emotions the only way they know how and they choose to do it with whom they feel safest with and most loved by… you!

Use tools to communicate feelings

Use visuals to help your child identify their feelings. Depending on their age, they may benefit from feelings cards that illustrate emotions, or drawing or journaling to help them label their feelings and discover patterns.

Putting it all together

By now, it is clear to see that each highly sensitive child is unique. You should have a better understanding of your child’s temperament traits and how they are directly related to their intensity of emotions. HSCs feel things more deeply, so they are more likely to have an emotional intense reaction to their experiences. I hope that the strategies provided give you the ability to better recognize the true causes behind your sensitive child’s meltdowns and outbursts, as well as the ability to help them with their big emotions.

Help your child identify and understand their big emotions with the Feelings & Emotions Printable Pack. Click HERE for more information.

Feelings and Emotions Printable Pack