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The Power of Play Dates

Between having two highly sensitive children, one of which also has Selective Mutism, I have learned about the power of play dates for anxious and sensitive kids. One-on-one play dates are an AMAZING way to help your child develop friendships, especially if it is difficult for them to do so in a group setting at school. In this post, I share our personal story, as well as 7 tips for a successful play date based on what I have learned along the way.

A Bumpy Start

boy hiding Play dates did not initially come easy for my oldest son who is highly sensitive and has anxiety. We have had some pretty bad ones along the way.

We started having get-togethers in preschool, in an effort to help him feel more comfortable in the classroom. He was having trouble making friends, because he was unable to jump into new situations quickly and interact like his peers. Our doctor suggested that we try having some one-on-one play dates with his classmates. The hope was that if our son developed some connections with classmates out of the classroom, it would eventually lead to more comfort in the school environment.

We gave it a try. My son who was 4 at the time would always be excited for a classmate to come over; however once they did, it went downhill fast. He would often shut down, have a meltdown or go to his room, leaving me with the other parent and their child. Awkward!

Honestly, I really struggled with play dates. I found it super difficult to ask other parents I barely knew to come play with my child who may or may not get overwhelmed. The whole thing was completely out of my comfort zone. I quickly realized though that a lot of the things I would have to do to help my anxious and sensitive son would be uncomfortable for me as an introverted mom. This was tough to face. I was asking him to step way out of his comfort zone though, so there was no question that I would have to do the same thing as his advocate.

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Becoming the play date mom

children playing with bubbles playdate

Although it was hard, I began reaching out to other parents at school. I pushed through the bad play dates and kept a record of things that triggered my son’s meltdowns. Loud noises, unfamiliar places, and favorite toys being played with by others were big triggers for him. I started to notice patterns, so I worked to control the environment. I realized it was key to have play dates where he was most comfortable. Our home.

Within a few weeks, I started getting feedback from his teacher about how his comfort level in the classroom was slowly increasing. We asked her to buddy him up with the children he was having play dates with when possible. Before long, I was being told that he was gaining confidence joining in during play time when his “play date buddy” was with him. Wow! It was the best feeling to know that we were on the right path. We continued to have play dates regularly.

Was it easy?

No, but the more we had, the easier and better they got.

Was it helpful?

Incredibly so! I began to realize how important one-on-one play dates were for helping anxious and sensitive children develop friendships and thrive socially. I also learned/developed some actual strategies I could use for play dates to help make it go as smoothly as possible.

My oldest is now in fourth grade. He has made some incredible friendships and is now able to interact in any environment. I attribute a lot of this to helping him develop friendships in a way that suited his personality. My second highly sensitive child (6) is now benefiting from the play date trial and error that his big brother & I endured. I want your kids to benefit as well! Here are some of my best tips I have learned through my share of play dates.

7 Tips for a Successful Playdate

7 tips for a good play date

1. Seek out children with a compatible personality.

This is true for any play date, but it is very important for a highly sensitive and anxious child. My first plan of action for helping my son was to speak to his teacher and teacher’s aide. I wanted to get a recommendation on which children in the classroom would be a good fit for him. Did they share a love for trains? Did they interact together in the class? Were their temperaments the same? That was the easy part.

The hard part was walking up to the parents of these children, who I only greeted in passing, to discuss the idea of a play date. I was able to ask parents this way, but I found that emailing them (we had everyone’s email address on a parent info sheet) was a great way to explain our situation and what we were doing to help our son. The parents were very understanding and were actually excited to have their children get some one-on-one time with another classmate as well.

2. Hold the play date in the home environment.

As hard as setting up a play date was, not knowing how it would go was even more stressful. After all my effort, would my son get overwhelmed? Be too anxious to interact?

I found that the home environment was the ideal place to have play dates to start, because he was most comfortable there. We could control the environment (no loud noises, crowds, no pets or other things that overwhelmed him). Once or twice I had made the mistake of having it at a children’s play place my son had never been too. He was always too overwhelmed by sensory input to interact and the other child would end up playing with some other kid the whole time. Once he was doing well with play dates at home, we began transitioning to ones outside of the house.

3. Have a planned activity/activities.

While I am all for unstructured free play, it can be hard for sensitive and/or anxious children to get started. A planned activity takes the pressure off the child to come up with something to do with the guest. It takes the focus off of the child and puts it on the activity. We had a lot of success once we began implementing this strategy at the start of a play date.

Of course nothing always goes as planned. Guests sometimes didn’t want to do a specific activity, which is why my son and I would discuss a few different ones he liked prior to their arrival and then let our guest choose. Often activities that involved a lot of team work or silliness would end up taking the pressure off him.

Do not involve toys that your child is protective of and might get upset sharing. We learned quickly to put away favorite toys before a play date came over to avoid anxiety and meltdowns.

Some play date activities that worked really well for us:

Baking– What kid doesn’t love eating something yummy that they made!?!

Sand Table/Legos – Lots of opportunities for sharing toys and interacting in one location.

Building forts – Working together to create something fun!

Games that can be played together as a team– I Spy Board Game, Balloon Toss, Hide & Seek- Avoid competitive activities to start.

Let your child lead and remember to be flexible. If your child seems comfortable, encourage unstructured play with their new friend. If they need some help, start with a planned activity and go from there.

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4. Keep it short.

Always be clear with the other parent regarding the length of a play date. When children are in preschool or kindergarten, I feel that 45 minutes to an hour is plenty. As they get a little older, I think 1-2 hours is typical. If a play date seems to be going really well, fight the urge to extend it. End it on a good note, before either child gets too tired or cranky.

5. Have ZERO expectation.

This is so important and often where parents, grandparents, teachers, and friends go wrong. Highly sensitive children are very aware of their environment and can pick up on how others are feeling. If you are anxious, they will notice this! As a result, they will feel that they have reason to feel anxious as well.

The irony is that the more pressure or expectations you put on a play date, the more children will feel that expectation, have increased anxiety, and therefore shut down. It’s a vicious cycle.

When you are having play dates with your child’s peer and their parent (your peer), you want them to see how fun and amazing your child can be and expectations can run high. The more you push, the more they’ll shut down, so do your best to relax and not worry about what your child is or is not doing. Make sure all adults involved know that there should be zero expectation as well.

6. Refrain from making comparisons.

If the children are similar in age, avoid comparing them out loud. A play date should be a fun way to build social skills and self-esteem for each child. Remember that children of the same age develop at different rates. Each child has their own unique strengths and challenges.

7. Discuss the play date afterwards and celebrate success no matter how small.

Lastly, make sure to praise your child for their brave effort and let them know that you were proud of them when they shared a toy, played a game, etc. Ask the child how the situation felt and if interested, let them draw or write about it in a Brave Journal. This will help you and your child figure out what was hard about the play date and how you can adapt for the next one.

Practice makes perfect

Most of all, remember that just like anything, the more opportunities your child has to practice interacting with a friend in a one-on-one play date setting, the easier it will become. Our sons, who are now nine and six, are able to play at their friends’ homes or ours without any structured activities or guidance from me now.

The days of awkward play dates are behind us and they can eventually be behind you. It is not easy, but if you take the time and put in the effort now to set up frequent one-on-one play dates you will see results. Implementing these 7 tips can help your child form friendships and build confidence that will grow with them.

In addition, check out more tips for helping your children develop friendships in my article: The Ultimate Guide to Friendships and the Highly Sensitive Child