You know the situation well. Your chatty child that never stops talking at home suddenly becomes expressionless and frozen with fear when entering a specific environment or when being addressed by a stranger or certain person in their life.
Parenting a child struggling with Selective Mutism (SM), an anxiety disorder characterized as a child’s inability to speak and communicate effectively in one or more select social settings, can be frustrating. You may feel helpless and at a loss when it comes to figuring out where to begin and what will be most effective in helping them progress.
So, what can you do? How can you help?
I have been in your shoes and know how you are feeling. The fact that you have realized that your child fits the diagnostic criteria for SM and are reading this article is already a huge step in the right direction when it comes to being your child’s advocate. If you are wondering how to help a child with Selective Mutism, here are ten ways that you can begin assisting and supporting them today!
10 Ways to Help a Child with Selective Mutism
1. Acceptance
There must be acceptance from caregivers before any progress can be made. Accept that your child is unable to speak in select situations and understand that it is due to anxiety. This will help your child feel supported when it is difficult and scary for them to speak. Have an age-appropriate conversation with them about anxiety and discuss what they can do when anxious feelings arise. Progress can begin once a child feels understood and supported.
2. Remove all expectations for speech
The first thing that parents tend to do when their child has difficulty speaking is to try and get them to speak. It’s natural to want to do this, but it is the worst thing that you can do.
Do not bribe or force your child to talk. Expectation of speech and focusing on talking actually increases anxiety and reinforce muteness.
Anyone who regularly interacts with a child with SM should be educated to remove all pressure and expectation to speak. This is a critical step. Reducing anxiety and increasing the comfort level has to occur before the possibility of communication will take place.
Want to know the top ten things that helped my son become verbal in all settings?
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3. Find a treatment professional that SPECIALIZES in SM
I cannot stress this enough! Early treatment is key. Findings indicate that the earlier a child is treated in an appropriate way, the better the response.
A lot of pediatricians and medical professionals will claim that they understand Selective Mutism and can help treat your child. Often they have some knowledge of this disorder, but they do not have a comprehensive understanding of how to best treat SM.
When selecting a treatment professional, make sure that they have worked with numerous SM cases in the past and have had success. Ask for testimonials. Be sure to understand their approach and be cautious of any professional who sees SM as a choice, manipulating behavior, or heavily focuses on the child’s need to speak.
Children with SM can also be misdiagnosed with being extremely shy, having Autism, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, or various other diagnoses. This unfortunately leads to going down the wrong treatment path and reinforces muteness.
Getting the correct treatment is crucial to overcoming Selective Mutism. The right treatment professional can also be an advocate for your child and help communicate your child’s needs to their school. If there are no treatment centers near your location, do not get discouraged. Many doctors offer teleconferences as an option, so it is worthwhile to research different treatment facilities that are of interest to you.
4. Get an IEP or at least a 504 plan for your child
Schedule a meeting with the school’s child study team, director, psychologist or whomever is the point person for these matters. Then get prepared for the meeting and bring your A game!
Be diplomatic but persistent if they suggest your child doesn’t need a plan. Knowledge is power. Most school staff are vaguely familiar with SM, if at all, so bring literature from your treatment professional that correctly defines SM. Organize materials that you have gathered, give examples, and present reasons for why an IEP or 504 plan is needed for your child.
Be ready to discuss areas that your child struggles in and your main points of concern for the classroom – academically and socially.
5. Educate yourself, so that you can educate others who interact with your child
Read books, articles and case studies about SM and share them. It is so important to educate yourself and others who interact with your child. Have your spouse read them, your parents, your in-laws, etc. When you go to your IEP meeting bring a book or articles that you feel are the best to share with the teacher, the child study team and whoever else is working with your child.
Join the Selective Mutism Parenting Journey FB group to learn more about helping your child with SM and to get updates about my book launch detailing our SM journey and strategies.
6. Schedule playdates/get-togethers with classmates who might be compatible
Ask the teacher for recommendations on what classmates’ personalities are most compatible with your child. Get out the school directory and email or call those parents to set up play dates with planned activities for younger children. One-on-one play dates with no pressure to speak can be extremely effective in helping your child build friendships.
There is significantly less pressure in a one-on-one situation than with a group. A friendship and comfort with a peer can be built through several play dates. When the child feels comfortable enough, speech can occur. Having a friend in class leads to more comfort in the classroom, and comfort is the starting point for communication. Check out The Power of Play Dates for Anxious and Sensitive Kids for strategies on how to best do this.
If the child is older, figure out his interests and get him involved in a common interest club/activity at school or in the community. If there is not one, work with the school, library or community center to create one.
7. Step out of your comfort zone
Advocating for your child will most likely take you a bit out of your comfort zone. If you are more of an introverted person, get ready to take a giant leap outside of this zone. It may feel difficult and awkward at times to stand up and voice what is needed for your child, but trust me all your brave efforts will benefit your child immensely. It will likely help you feel much more confident as well.
8. Stop caring so much about what people think
This is hard, I know. People are going to judge and give their unsolicited opinion several times throughout this journey. Keep your focus on getting your child the help and support that they need. Trust your instinct. You know them better than anyone else.
9. Bring a skeptic family member to a treatment session
It can be incredibly frustrating and hurtful when a family member doesn’t accept what your child is going through or misunderstands it. It is also very hard to effectively communicate what your child is going through without emotions getting in the way. If they interact with your child on a fairly regular basis, you may want to invite them to an appointment. Sometimes being able to observe a session and hear the information straight from a professional carries more weight for people. If they have a better understanding of SM, it will benefit your child.
10. Stop focusing on what your child can’t do and focus on what they can!
Help your child discover their strengths and interests. Do they enjoy a specific sport? Get them involved on a team. Just make sure that you speak with the coach about SM prior to practices.
Not a fan of sports? Maybe they would enjoy scouting, a Lego club or other special interest group. If your child enjoys writing or drawing, encourage them to draw and write stories, attend an art class or start a journal. My Book of Brave is a journal that I created for my son and others dealing with anxiety. It has been a very effective tool for him to identify his feeling and fears, while writing/drawing about his day.
Whatever their interest, get them involved in something they enjoy. This will help them focus on their strengths and build their confidence. Selective Mutism does not define them!
Make sure you have support
Being an advocate for a child with Selective Mutism can be very rewarding, but also overwhelming and draining at times. Make sure that you take time for yourself and get the support you need, so that you can be there for your child. Talk to your treatment professional about the possibility of putting you in contact with another parent from their office who is in the same situation or join a Selective Mutism Facebook group. It is so refreshing to talk with other people who understand exactly what you are going through.
Join the Selective Mutism Parenting Journey FB group to learn more about helping your child with SM and to get updates about my book launch detailing our SM journey and strategies.
If your child with SM is also highly sensitive, feel free to join our FB community of over 1,000 parents raising highly sensitive children.
Click here to join our Selective Mutism Facebook Community!
You can do this!
You now have ten ideas on how to help a child with Selective Mutism. Use these tips to become an amazing advocate for your child and help grow their self-esteem. Do each of these things with persistence and all the little actions will add up to amazing progress for your child.
Have an idea that I didn’t mention? Let me know in the comments below. I’d love to hear how you are helping your child with Selective Mutism.
Want to know the top ten things that helped my son become verbal in all settings?
Download my free printable & start helping your child today!
Other resources that may be helpful to you:
8 Myths about Selective Mutism
A Beginner’s Guide to High Sensitivity in Children
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