We love our kids, but if we are being honest, I think most of us would admit that we look forward to their bedtime after parenting all day! Unfortunately, our children don’t always feel the same way. If you are frustrated with the struggles that come with getting your highly sensitive kids to sleep, here is why they may be fighting it and how you can end the bedtime battle with three simple strategies. 

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Why is my child fighting bedtime?  

There are several reasons why a child may struggle with going to sleep. Maybe they are getting to bed too late and are therefore overtired.  Perhaps they are not getting enough time to decompress after a busy day of activities and have become overstimulated.  Fear is also a factor for a number of children.  They are scared of being alone in the dark where their imagination is free to run wild with scary thoughts.  

Highly sensitive children (HSCs) often have trouble with sleep because they have a very active mind.  It can be hard to calm down their racing thoughts, especially in the evening, when their minds are busy processing everything that has gone on throughout the day.  They are very aware of their environment as well, so an unfamiliar sight or sound while lying in their bed can get their imagination going and their adrenaline racing.

The following three strategies can help relax your child and prepare them for the transition to sleep.

The R’s of bedtime for the Highly Sensitive Child: 3 Simple Strategies

1. Routine

Children, especially highly sensitive kids, thrive on routine.  There is a calm that comes with order and habits.  A predictable bedtime routine is immensely helpful in getting your children to cooperate.  It lets them know what to expect each night and helps them feel safe. Young children do not fully understand the concept of time, but they can understand a predictable sequence of events, so creating a specific order of familiar tasks is important.  This lets them know what is expected each night and makes your life a lot easier. Let’s discuss some of the important elements of the bedtime routine.

Timing

First, the bedtime routine should start early enough to ensure that there is no rushing involved.  It is important to remember that transitions are difficult for many HSCs, so starting early allows your child to ease into the bedtime phase.  In our home, our bedtime routine starts 45-60 minutes before bedtime, depending on if they are getting a bath or shower.  On school nights, my boys are in bed by 8:00pm, so we start winding down around 7:00pm. An hour may seem like a long time to dedicate to getting your child to sleep, but it pays off in the long run.   

The great thing about having a long bedtime routine is that your children will come to understand that the act of “Getting ready for bed,” doesn’t mean that they are immediately going to bed.  It is still family time.  This will make them much more willing participants, especially if you build some fun into the bedtime routine that they forward to. 

So now that you understand why it is important to leave plenty of time for the bedtime routine before your child is actually ready for sleep, you may be thinking, “What time should my child go to bed?”  An overtired child is a recipe for bedtime meltdowns, so making sure he is getting the right amount of sleep is essential.  In the article, “How Much Sleep Do Children Need” from WebMD, it breaks sleep recommendations down by age .  Count back the hours for their age from the time they get up for school in the morning to get your average bedtime.  

Highly sensitive children may need even more sleep than other children.  According to Dr. Elaine Aron, author of the The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When The World Overwhelms Them,  “HSCs need plenty of sleep.  It is part of their down time.”  As a parent to a young HSC, it is important to be mindful of how much sleep they are getting and enforce an earlier bedtime if needed.  

Choices

The routine should be tailored to your family’s needs and those that give your child choices to feel part of the process.  Would they like to get their pjs or brush their teeth first? HSCs like to feel in control and so allowing them to make their own decisions within the limits of a few choices, will lead to more willingness on your child’s part.

Consistency

Consistency is key.  Your routine should remain the same, once you figure out what works best for your family.  Of course there will be nights that you have a special event or outing that doesn’t allow for the same bedtime routine, but overall having an unchanging, predictable order to bedtime is very important, especially for sensitive children.  Consistency keeps bedtime from turning into a power struggle and will help make nights less stressful and more enjoyable for all involved.  

Now that you understand the importance of a consistent routine, let’s move on to the next essential “R” strategy.

2. Relaxing Atmosphere

After the essential tasks of brushing teeth, getting a drink, going to the bathroom and putting on pajamas are done, it is important to create a more relaxing atmosphere that is conducive to sleep.  This can start by having your child put away any remaining toys that are on their floor from the day.  This will help eliminate distractions. Next, make sure all electronics with screens are off.  Dimming the lights or turning off all but one softer light is a good idea as well.  Listening to soft music or turning on a peaceful sound machine may also be a good option if this seems to calm your child.  These are all cues to your child that it is time to start settling down.

Now that you have calmed down the environment, it is time to calm down your child’s body with the last “R” strategy. 

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3. Ritual

This may be the most important strategy of all, because it focuses on special activities you and your child can do together right before bed.  What you choose is up to you and your child, but activities should be calming and relaxing to get your child’s body prepared for sleep.  Here are some options that may work for your family.  Pick one or two to try out or create a special ritual of your own.  

Reading a few books together  

As a former children’s librarian, books are a BIG part of our bedtime routine. Reading to children is so important.  It builds a child’s language, literacy and coping skills, as well as serves as a special bonding time between parent and child.  Here is a list of some of my favorite bedtime stories for kids.

Snuggling and talking about the day together

My highly sensitive children have very active brains and often need to get their worries and concerns out before bed.  After reading some stories, my husband or I take a few minutes talking one-on-one with each of them about their day. This can be a very effective way to calm their mind.  Just make sure that your child doesn’t turn it into a stalling session. 

If my younger son is nervous about something, we talk about it and then I write down his worry on a piece of paper for his Worry Eater to chomp up.  These stuffed animals come in many shapes and colors and have been tremendously helpful for my son at bedtime.  Their mouth unzips and your child can literally feed them their worry. We make a big deal of the worry eater chomping it away, which always makes him laugh.  As a bonus, it is also a stuffed animal that is great for snuggling.  We have the large Enno.

My older son and I go through his day with his My Book of Brave journal. 

I created this journal based on my experience with my highly sensitive, anxious children. This journal is meant to help children identify their fears and take control of them. Each page of this book provides space to write down a situation from the child’s day, identify how scary it felt, and record it in a way that feel most comfortable.  They can color, write, draw, or do all three.   For more information and a video about the product, check out My Book of Brave Info Page

Meditation or Mindfulness Activity

Mindfulness can help calm those busy thoughts in a child’s head.  A mindfulness instructor recently came to my son’s class and taught the children some techniques over the course of a few months.  We now incorporate these on nights when he needs more help settling down.  Sitting Still Like a Frog: Mindfulness Exercises for Kids (and Their Parents) is a great book that also comes with an audio CD of guided exercises that could be used at bedtime.  A few other audio CDs/MP3s that may be helpful (although I have not personally tried them with my children) are  Indigo Ocean Dreams: 4 Children’s Stories Designed to Decrease Stress, Anger and Anxiety while Increasing Self-Esteem and Self-Awareness and Indigo Dreams: Kids Relaxation Music Decreasing Stress, Anxiety and Anger, Improve Sleep

Prayers

If your family is religious, incorporating prayers into the bedtime routine can be an important ritual for your children.  In our family, we tell God what we are thankful for and pray for others after getting tucked in bed.  If you feel more comfortable with more structured devotions, there are several bedtime devotional books available for children.  We love the the Berenstain Bears in our home, so I recommend, The Berenstain Bears Bedtime Devotional; however I did stumble upon May the Faith Be With You: Bedtime Prayers, which I may be purchasing soon for my Star Wars/space loving boys!   

Singing a Song

A calming bedtime song is another great way to help your child relax.  It is also a nice cue that it is now time for sleep.

A Calmer Bedtime Everyone Can Enjoy

Each age will bring new challenges for bedtime and sleep, but with the above foundation you can adjust and move forward.  You now have a solid understanding of why your highly sensitive child may be fighting sleep.  You also now know how to end the bedtime battle with three simple strategies (Routine, Relaxed Atmosphere and Rituals.) How will you change your current bedtime strategy with your child?  What calming rituals will you incorporate to make it a less stressful event? Maybe more importantly, how will you spend your newfound free time in the evening?!  Share with me in the comments below. 

Other resources on my blog that may be helpful to you:

How to Help your Sensitive Child Handle Big Emotions

Discipline Strategies for the Sensitive Child

Beginner’s Guide to Understanding High Sensitivity in Children

How to Handle After School Meltdowns with your Child

Gift Guide for the Highly Sensitive Child

5 Myths About the Highly Sensitive Child

Resources for Parents of Highly Sensitive Children

The Power of Play Dates for Anxious and Sensitive Kids

10 Benefits of Being Highly Sensitive

A Letter to the Mom of a Highly Sensitive Child

FREE RESOURCE LIBRARY

Get access to cheat sheets, checklists, and other valuable resources to help highly sensitive children when you sign up to receive my weekly newsletter