Are you trying to figure out how to discipline a sensitive child?   Confused with how to help them understand limits and consequences when you are dealing with their intense emotions?  If the advice in conventional parenting books and from well-meaning friends and family aren’t working, it might be because because disciplining a highly sensitive child (HSC) requires a different, more gentle approach.   In this article, I will provide four behaviors to avoid and six practices to implement when it comes to discipline strategies for the sensitive child.

Discipline Strategies to Avoid and to Add to your Parenting Toolbox

First, let me start with a huge disclaimer.  I am not perfect.  I don’t always implement the tips I am about to give you with ease.  Let me reassure you that it’s okay if you struggle with disciplining your sensitive child as well.  They can be demanding and emotionally intense, but it is our job as parents to do our best to help them without adding fuel to the fire.  It is something I know I have to work at each and every day.  What about you?  Some days I am better at being patient than others.   Some days I have more energy to give than others and you will too.

Every child and family dynamic is different; however I believe that when disciplining a highly sensitive child, you will get the most favorable results with a more positive, gentle approach.  While this article focuses specifically on disciplining sensitive kids, I feel that these do’s and dont’s are good guidelines when disciplining any child.  After years of trial and error, the strategies below are based on what has worked best for our family and our sensitive boys.

4 Discipline Behaviors to Avoid

1.  Yelling 

Although this is most parents’ initial reaction (including mine) when their child is disobeying them or doing something they know they are not supposed to, it can really cause stress in a sensitive child.  HSCs are very conscious of tone of voice, so yelling will likely make your sensitive child feel scared and/or more upset.  If your child is feeling distressed they are likely going to miss the actual message you were trying to communicate to them.

2. Isolating your child when they are upset

When children are upset, it is easy to send them to their room or put them in time out somewhere in the house.  I used to do this a lot with my sensitive boys, but over time I realized that this usually just escalated the situation and their emotions. It would lead to them screaming more and me screaming back louder.  They would have trouble calming themselves down on their own and would get so worked up. By the time I would come get them out of time out, they needed so much help calming down that the original reason they were in time out got overshadowed.

3. Shaming

HSCs know right from wrong and will usually feel very bad after breaking the rules. They tend to want to do the right thing and are rule followers. When they make mistakes, highly sensitive kids are usually really hard on themselves for messing up.  They don’t need a parent, teacher or any other authority figure pointing it out to them in an unfriendly way.

Avoid saying things like, “How could you do that!” “Why are you so sensitive?” or “You need to toughen up and stop crying.”  It doesn’t help the situation and can be especially crushing to a highly sensitive child’s spirit.

4. Withdrawing love 

Sensitive children may fear that you love them less when you discipline them, so withdrawing love is not the answer.  I will never forget my heart breaking when my youngest son asked “Do you still love me?” after being disciplined for breaking one of our house rules.   It goes without saying that I loved him just as much, but since it was not obvious to him, I knew I needed to try a more gentle parenting approach.  The fact that he asked this was such a wake up call to the fact that I was not giving him the positive physical and verbal affirmation that he needed after disciplining.

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6 Discipline Strategies to Implement

Now that I have laid out four discipline behaviors you want to avoid, I don’t want you to get the impression that your sensitive child shouldn’t have limits or strict guidelines to adhere to.  Children, especially HSCs, want and need limits. It makes them feel safe and secure. There are several strategies you can implement when disciplining a sensitive child.  Here are my top six.

1. Create a calm down spot

Instead of sending your child to a time out spot, try sending them to a place where they can decompress for a bit and gain control of their emotions.  Designate a place in your home where your child can go if they are having trouble regulating.  When they are in a highly emotional state, any effort to discipline will be futile.  This spot is different from time out, because it is not to be seen as a punishment.  The location can include any comfort items your child finds calming like stuffed animals, weighted blankets, books to read, activity books, or any other soothing items.   This time period will also give you time to calm down and get your thoughts together so that you can communicate your message more effectively.

What if your out of the home?  I’ve lost count of how many times my HSCs have acted out while running errands or at other people’s homes.  Avoid disciplining and calling them out in front of other people when possible, as they will likely become more emotional when embarrassed.  If their emotions escalate, leave your cart or setting and take them outside for a few minutes or to a quiet corner.  Be aware of your stress level as well.  No one enjoys the stares you get from family, friends or even strangers at the store when their child is acting out,  but HSCs pick up on the moods of those around them more than others and will feed off your emotions.

2. Empathy

Sensitive children need to feel understood.  Instead of jumping in with judgement or shaming, try to get a full picture of what is going on.  Once they have calmed down, they will be more likely to tell you what is making them upset.  Listen to them.  Repeat back their feelings, such as “I understand you are feeling upset because……”  “It makes you frustrated when…….”  If your child is too emotional to have a conversation, go back to tip #1.

3. Be conscious of tone and volume of voice 

As I previously stated, HSCs are very conscious of tone of voice and noise levels, so harsh yelling will likely make your sensitive child scared and/or more upset.  Do your best to gain control of your emotions before speaking to your child.  You want to speak in a calm, firm voice that let’s your child know exactly what you expect and why their behavior is not acceptable.

4. Be clear with your expectations and consequences 

HSCs like knowing what to expect and what the boundaries are.  It gives them a sense of security.  These children are natural rule followers, so if you clearly communicate what you expect upfront, they will be much more likely to behave accordingly.  Set aside a time as a family to go over family expectations, rules, and consequences.  Remind them of these rules frequently. 

Any time we arrive at a destination, my boys can expect a quick overview of behavior do’s and don’ts before anyone is allowed out of the car.  Afterwards, I ask them if they understand and require a response before anyone opens the car door.  Letting them know exactly what is expected of them, makes it far less likely for us to have an issue during an outing.

5. Get down on their level and offer choices 

I find that getting down on my child’s level really helps me connect so much better with them.  I believe it helps them feels safer and more in control, which is so important for an HSC.  If my child does something minor that requires redirection, I will kneel down and give him the options. 

For example, “I can see that you would like to play with mommy, but I need to finish the dishes.  Screaming at me will not help.  While you wait for me, you can play with your toys in the playroom or you can find something quiet to do in the kitchen with me.   If you decide to keep yelling at mommy, I will not be able to play with you when I am done.  Which do you think is the better choice?”

6. Reconnect 

Remember that highly sensitive kids are usually rule followers who feel bad after doing something wrong.  Make sure you take the time to reassure them of how much they are loved.  Spend time with them, hug and praise them for their amazing qualities after disciplining and giving out consequences.  Sensitive children process things much more deeply,  so they will likely need that extra reassurance and positive attention from you after being corrected.  

Practice. Learn. Adjust. Repeat.

As is with all discipline techniques, clearly communicated expectations up front and consistency are key.  I understand that the strategies above may not be the easiest to implement.  It may not be the approach to discipline that you were raised with or that feels natural to you. It takes practice and often some time to get used to.  Don’t beat yourself up if you find yourself slipping up.   See what strategies work best for your child, create a discipline plan that works for your family and adjust it as they grow. 

Now that you have a better idea of some of the discipline strategies I recommend for the sensitive child, I hope that you will find disciplining your child to be a much more positive and effective experience.  As parents we all make tons of mistakes, but the important thing is that we learn from them and adjust.  Luckily, your children will give you plenty of chances to practice 🙂 

Have you had great success with one of these strategies?  I’d love to hear about it.  Please share in the comments.

Other resources on my blog that may be helpful to you:

Beginner’s Guide to Understanding High Sensitivity in Children

Anger and the Highly Sensitive Child

How to Help your Sensitive Child Handle Big Emotions

5 Myths About the Highly Sensitive Child

Resources for Parents of Highly Sensitive Children

The Power of Play Dates for Anxious and Sensitive Kids

10 Benefits of Being Highly Sensitive

A Letter to the Mom of a Highly Sensitive Child

How to End Bedtime Battles with your Sensitive Child

How to Help your Sensitive Child with the Back to School Transition

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Get access to cheat sheets, checklists, and other valuable resources to help highly sensitive children when you sign up to receive my weekly newsletter