anger and the highly sensitive child

Does your highly sensitive child get angry frequently? Do they go straight from calm to explosive with no warning? Are they quick to get upset about things that others seem to brush off easily? Highly sensitive children (HSCs) tend to feel things more deeply and sometimes those feelings include intense anger. This article focuses on anger and the highly sensitive child. I will be explaining what causes angry behavior in a child and offering parenting strategies to help address anger with highly sensitive children.

What’s causes angry behavior?

Anger is the behavior that stems from unresolved feelings. It indicates that something is wrong and is the result of another deeper emotion your child is feeling.

In order to discover what is causing the angry behavior in your child, you need to dig deeper. Try visualizing your child’s emotions as an iceberg. Anger is the secondary emotion they are expressing and that you are seeing, but there is something happening underneath the surface that is causing this anger to be expressed.

You need to take a step back and ask yourself what is really going on here? What emotion or discomfort are they experiencing that is leading to this angry behavior. Are they overwhelmed? Embarrassed? Frustrated? Nervous? Disrespected?

Anxiety can easily turn to anger. When a child feels socially uncomfortable or has fears or worries that they can’t figure out how to express, they can get pushed down. Eventually those feelings build up and spill out as anger.

I created the graphic below to illustrate some hidden emotions that may result in angry behavior.

causes of anger in sensitive child

Look for Patterns

If you are having trouble pinpointing an underlying reason for anger, start recording when your child is having a lot of anger. Are you seeing it consistently before the start of a school day? Does it occur when he or she is frustrated and can’t figure something out? Is it frequently happening when they are with a sibling?

Really observe your child and record everything for at least a week. There could be quite a few things contributing to a highly sensitive child’s anger and outbursts. Recording when these emotions occur can help you discover patterns that will be helpful for moving forward. If you have a better understanding of when most of the anger occurs, you can begin to get a clearer idea of why your child is getting irritable.

Are they getting angry right before leaving for school?

They may be nervous or anxious about something happening at school that day or the whole school day in general. Are they struggling with friendships at school? Is a peer bullying them? Are they struggling in a certain subject? Is the classroom environment too sensory stimulating?

Do they seem to have angry outbursts out of nowhere when playing with a sibling?

Maybe they are feeling frustrated and need help working through their feelings when it comes to their siblings. Is the sibling very loud? Are they more chaotic when it comes to play? Are there feelings of jealousy?

Are they having outbursts when they don’t win a game or they are unable to master a skill?

This could be jealousy, frustration and/or embarrassment masking itself as anger. A lot of this could have to do with age and maturity level as well.

how to help an angry child

Strategies to Break the Cycle of Anger with Highly Sensitive Children

It can be hard for children to learn how to calm themselves down and gain control of their feelings when anger takes over. Heck, it’s hard for adults to do this too! As anger escalates it gets more difficult for children and parents to stay calm and think clearly, so how can you break the cycle?

Start with yourself

If you have ever been taken off guard by your child’s angry outburst, you know how quickly it can trigger you to feel angry as well. It is easy to take their behavior personally, especially if you are also a highly sensitive person. Staying calm when you are on the receiving end of your child’s anger is a challenging but essential skill to learn as a parent. It make take some trial and error to figure out what works best to keep you calm, but once you figure it out it will be immensely helpful. Matching your child’s angry behavior only escalates the situation and often results in guilt on your part.

Avoid impulsive punishment

When a child is angry, it can easily lead to negative verbal or physical behavior. Often this leads parents to immediately resort to punishment.

Punishing your child can seem like it will work and it can definitely feel like the right thing to do in the heat of the moment, but it is not an effective long-term strategy. It only teaches them that they are not allowed to feel what they are feeling.

It took me a long time to realize that punishing angry behavior was not getting myself or my sensitive kids anywhere. Honestly it made things much worse! They would get angrier for being punished and I would get angrier at their behavior. Then we would end up in a battle that neither of us could win and we would both end up saying things we regretted. Eventually we’d calm down, say we were sorry and it would start all over another day. It was a vicious cycle that didn’t solve anything.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t explain right from wrong. You need to be clear that it is never okay to physically or verbally hurt someone else; however, an angry child is not thinking clearly. Their emotions have taken over and impulsive behavior can quickly occur. HSCs often needs assistance regulating those angry feelings. They know that anger can be hurtful, but it is a powerful emotion that is hard to control without help. Angry children need tools to help them cope.

Give them time to cool down

Nothing is going to be accomplished when your child is consumed with anger. Allow your child to feel angry (as long as they are not verbally or physically hurting anyone) and give them time and space to cool down before attempting to talk to them. Let them know that you are there for them when they are ready.

Validate their emotions with empathy

Sensitive children need to feel understood. When they are feeling mad and frustrated they are not going to be in the correct mindset to have a conversation. Instead of jumping in with judgement or shaming, just be there for them. Listen to them and allow them to calm down. What they are feeling is real to them and they need to feel understood. Want some effective phrases you can say when your child is angry? Get the free cheat sheet below!

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Give feelings a name

Once your child has calmed down, be sure to label their feelings by saying something like, “I can see that you are feeling very angry,” or “It looks like ______ really made you upset/frustrated. This will give them the words to put to their emotions. The more you help them with this, the more they will be able to identify their feelings in the future and communicate them in a more effective manner.

For younger children, a feelings wheel or cards showing different emotions can be very useful tools to help them describe their feelings. As a child grows, identifying their feelings through writing and drawing can be an incredibly effective method as well. You could create these types of resources on your own or you can use my Feelings and Emotions Printable Pack which gives you access to all of these tools in one convenient place.

Feelings and Emotions Printables

Help your child identify their triggers

If your child is old enough, have a talk with them about what they feel led to their outburst. If you have been writing down their angry outbursts in a log, as discussed in the beginning of the post, talk about any patterns you see. Are they getting angry when they lose a game, when they are not being listened to, when they are hungry or overtired, when they are rushed, right before school or when arriving home from school? Have a discussion with your child and really listen to their responses. It will give you so much insight moving forward.

Come up with a plan

Once you and your child have a better understanding of why and when anger is occurring, create a plan together to manage it. What can they do next time they start to feel anger building up? How can they ask for help? What coping mechanism can they use to manage their anger? Figure out what calming strategies work best for your child and put a plan in place to help them feel more in control of their anger.

Connect and Build a positive self-image

Make time for one-on-one meaningful connection with your child each day. Children need to feel loved and valued. Be sure to communicate and let them feel your unconditional love. This can be a simple, but really effective tool in limiting anger going forward.

Anger and the Highly Sensitive Child

Helping your child know how to handle their anger and frustration is one of those difficult but essential lessons we need to teach our children. It’s okay for children to feel angry, but it is important for them to learn how to express and manage those emotions in a healthy way. At this point, you should now have a better understanding of what causes anger in a child and have some parenting strategies to address anger in your highly sensitive child. When you start seeing anger for what is truly is, you can begin to help your child manage it more effectively.

What helps calm your child down when they are angry? Have a strategy that works well for your family? Please share it with us in the comments below.