Raising a highly sensitive child has its joys and challenges. One of the most difficult parts for me as a parent, is trying to help my boys feel understood and respected in a world that doesn’t always understand or respect sensitive people, especially sensitive males. Would you agree?
I feel like I have heard it all when it comes to my highly sensitive children. Being sensitive is frequently viewed as a flaw in our society where power, strength and extroversion in the classroom, workplace, and social contexts are favored. In an effort to clear up misconceptions and raise awareness here are 5 myths about the highly sensitive child that I feel need to be addressed.
1. The highly sensitive child is uncommon.
High sensitivity is a normal trait found in about 15-20% of the population, according to Dr. Elaine Aron, author of the book The Highly Sensitive Person and also The Highly Sensitive Child. It is not a disorder which needs treatment. About 1 in 5 children are born with the tendency to be more aware of their environment and react quickly to stimuli. This could be through exhibiting emotional outbursts, withdrawing, or a number of other responses.
Although the term “highly sensitive” continues to gain traction, many people are still unaware that this is an actual trait. Mislabeling an HSC as shy, scared, fussy, stubborn, defiant or socially inept is very common. A misdiagnosis of a mental disorder is also not uncommon, when really these children just experience sounds, emotions and other stimuli more intensely than the average person.
2. The majority of HSCs are female.
I think a lot of people believe this to be true. I wrongly made this assumption when I first began learning about highly sensitive people. Dr. Elaine Aron states however that, “The trait is equally divided between males and females.” In today’s society, expressing emotion and sensitivity is a much more acceptable behavior for a girl than a boy, thus you see it more frequently. Boys are often taught to be “tough” and emotionally self-controlled. They are encouraged, or learn on their own through negative experiences, to hide their sensitive side, while girls are able to embrace it. Sadly, these expectations tell the sensitive boys to act in a way that directly conflicts with their highly sensitive trait.
This is where supportive and effective parenting is crucial. Parents need to take the time to understand and embrace their sensitive boys. When the right approaches are taken, these boys will thrive!
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3. HSCs are weak.
Quite the opposite is true. HSCs may not fit society’s definition of “strong and courageous,” but their battles require an amazing amount of strength and courage. Highly sensitive children have a different type of strength. Participating in highly competitive games, engaging in fights or other risky behavior may be of little interest to them. Their strengths often lie in their intuitive nature, imagination, creativity and compassion.
4. Highly sensitive children are shy.
One of the things that bothers me the most is when people call my children shy. People haphazardly thrown around this label all the time. Slapping the word shy on any child who hesitates before acting or doesn’t immediately engage has become the norm. The problem with this label is that it can be self-fulfilling. If children are told they are shy repeatedly, they will start to believe it.
My sons are not shy. Yes, they observe a situation before jumping in. Certain factors in their environment can easily overwhelm them and it often takes a few seconds for them to gather their thoughts before responding to someone as well. This, however, does not equate to shyness. Like most children, they have a lot to say and ask a lot of questions, but they have to assess a situation first and be comfortable interacting before proceeding. When people label one of my sons as shy, I am quick to respond. “He is not shy, he is slow to warm up.”
5. The highly sensitive child is easily identifiable.
Each highly sensitive child is unique. Some are extroverts. Some are introverts. One HSC may react to overstimulation with tantrums, while another may shut down and withdraw. Some are more sensitive to new situations and people, while others are more emotionally sensitive.
According to Dr. Elaine Aron, “One reason for the variation among highly sensitive children is that temperament traits seem to be caused by several genes, each having small, cumulative effects.” There are other sources of variation that I will not be getting into in this post, but it is important to understand that while all HSCs are sensitive to their emotional and physical environment, they will react differently depending on their genetic makeup.
Both of my sons are highly sensitive children, but they are the complete opposite in temperament. My oldest turns inward and enjoys being comforted when he is overstimulated, while my youngest is emotionally intense. He has a lot of demanding and persistent outbursts and does not like a lot of physical contact. Even though I was already raising one HSC, it still took me awhile to identify my younger child as one, due to their differences in personality.
Other resources on my site that may be helpful to you:
How to Help your Sensitive Child Handle Big Emotions
Discipline Strategies for the Sensitive Child
Beginner’s Guide to Understanding High Sensitivity in Children
How to Handle After School Meltdowns with your Child
Gift Guide for the Highly Sensitive Child
Resources for Parents of Highly Sensitive Children
The Power of Play Dates for Anxious and Sensitive Kids
10 Benefits of Being Highly Sensitive
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I have a highly sensitive child. He was “diagnosed” by our pediatrician at age 6. He has presented as having SPD, ADHD, and at a younger age, ASD. He is now in his late teens and has done pretty well. Unfortunately, we are now coping with depression. Sensitivity is a whole new ball game at this age. I love him so much and am so thankful for who he is. There have been trials along the way and this is probably the most difficult we’ve been through with him. Still, his sensitivity is a gift. (I found you in the tailwind tribe for special needs and am so happy for this introduction.I’ll be sharing this post!)
Hi Tereasa! Thank you for your sharing your story. I often think about what it will be like when my boys are teenagers. Do you have any favorite resources for highly sensitive teens?