Beginners guide to understanding the highly sensitive child and high sensitivity

 High Sensitivity in Children
Highly sensitive beginners guide

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or health professional and know others may have different opinions than my own. This beginner’s guide to high sensitivity in children was gathered from my own experiences.  As a highly sensitive person, raising highly sensitive children, I have read extensively on this subject.

I am a highly sensitive mom to two highly sensitive little boys.  I did not always know though that this was a thing and I know I’m not alone. Although the term “highly sensitive” continues to gain traction, many people are still unaware that this is an actual trait.  Mislabelling or wrongly thinking a highly sensitive child is shy, scared, fussy, stubborn, defiant or socially inept is very common.  Discovering the term “highly sensitive” was a game changer for our family.  As a result, I want to help bring awareness to other parents struggling to understand why their children behave the way they do.  The goal of this beginner’s guide to high sensitivity is to provide a starting point for parents just discovering the term and to give them something to share with others who interact with their child.

What does being highly sensitive actually mean?

First of all, what exactly is high sensitivity?   According to Dr. Elaine Aron, one of the pioneers in studying sensitivity, “The highly sensitive person/child (HSP)/(HSC) has a sensitive nervous system.  They are more aware of subtleties in his/her surroundings and are more easily overwhelmed when in a highly stimulating environment.”

A highly sensitive person of any age feels things deeply, tends to notice more in their environment, is easily overstimulated and reflects on things intently before acting.  They are often incredibly observant, cautious and overstimulated more easily by sensory input in their environment, such as bright lights, smells and loud noises.   

Highly sensitive people are very in tune with the emotions and feelings of others around them, as well.  They take in the feelings of people and often have very strong emotional reactions.  Due to the fact that they feel and process things more deeply, downtime is very important. They need to be able to remove themselves from others and environments that overstimulate them.  This allows them to recharge and is essential to their well-being.

What it is not.

In understanding what high sensitivity is, it is also essential to understand what it is not.  

It is not a flaw.

It is important to understand that high sensitivity is not a flaw, even though it can definitely be more challenging to raise a highly sensitive child. HSCs feel things more deeply and can have intense emotional outbursts when feeling overwhelmed.  This usually occurs in the presence of those they feel safest with and love the most, their parents.  Their high sensitivity can decrease their tolerance for the way certain clothing feels, the smells in an environment, loud noises and so on.   It can often affect their enjoyment of day-to-day activities or special events, as well as that of their family’s.  

Their cautious, observant nature tends to make them less willing to try new things and/or struggle to make friendships without assistance.  A highly sensitive child won’t always go with the flow, but it is so important to remember that they are not intentionally trying to be difficult.  With love, patience and support, these same children can do great things in their own time.

It is not a weakness.  

Highly sensitive children may cry more easily or have more meltdowns, but living in a world that overwhelms them on a daily basis requires an amazing amount of strength and courage.  HSCs might not fit society’s idea of “strong,” but they are indeed capable of amazing things when raised in a loving and encouraging environment.  Often highly sensitive children are very intellectual, creative, attentive and thoughtful with the potential to be great friends and leaders. 

It is not a disorder

High sensitivity is a biological trait.  It is NOT a condition, disorder or diagnosis, therefore medical treatment is not necessary.  Highly sensitive children will do best in a supportive environment of loving parents who are accepting, educated, and understanding of high sensitivity.

exceptional highly sensitive child quote

 

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Why haven’t I heard of this term before?

As stated in the beginning, while the term “highly sensitive” continues to gain traction, many people are still unaware that this is an actual trait. Mislabelling or wrongly thinking an HSC is shy, scared, fussy, stubborn, defiant or socially inept is very common. 

Can it be misdiagnosed as something else?

Absolutely!  Since only about 20 percent of the population has this trait and even less truly understand it, highly sensitive children can be diagnosed with disorders that have some overlap, such as ADHD, depression or Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD).  This is where a parent needs to understand their child’s triggers.  An HSC may have trouble concentrating in an overstimulated classroom, like a child with ADHD; however they will do fine focusing when placed in a calm environment, unlike a child with ADHD.  HSCs feel things more deeply and therefore may be more likely to cry or worry about situations, but they usually do not fit the criteria for clinical depression.  It is easy to confuse HSCs as having SPD, which I will discuss in more detail below.  

It is very important to note though that occasionally high sensitivity is not the issue. Sometimes something else is going on or high sensitivity is occurring in addition to a disorder.

In our family’s personal case, my oldest son was diagnosed with Selective Mutism four years ago.  This answered some of our questions, but we were still questioning other behaviors that didn’t quite add up.  When we discovered the term “highly sensitive” and were further educated by our specialist about how this was common in children with SM, things really started to fall into place.  It was only then that our son began progressing.

Again, I am not a medical professional, but in our experience, going to a treatment professional that specialized in what we thought our child may have (Selective Mutism) was the key to getting real answers.  Our original pediatrician unfortunately gave us a wrong diagnosis and made us more confused.  When we were finally introduced to the term “highly sensitive” by a specialist, we did a lot of research and read several books on high sensitivity and Selective Mutism to educate ourselves further.

What is the difference between being highly sensitive and having sensory processing disorder?

This is a tricky question that I feel needs to be studied further.  Confusing these two terms is common, because there is some overlap in the area of overstimulation; however the cause of being overstimulated is not the same.  Sensory processing disorder (SPD) is a neurological disorder. According to the Star Institute for SPD,  “Sensory Processing Disorder exists when sensory signals are either not detected or don’t get organized into appropriate responses.”  There is a disconnect between a person’s brain and the information needed to interpret the sensory information correctly.

Over-responsiveness to stimuli is the key similarity between the two

Symptoms of SPD vary depending on the sense affected and how it is affected.  A child with SPD may be under-responsive to sensory stimuli.  For example, they may not notice if they sat in something wet or could spin and spin without feeling dizzy.  A child could be a sensory seeker, whereby they crave intense sensory experiences like vigorous play, loud music and places with a lot of action, and/or movement.  On the opposite end of the spectrum, there are the children who find sensory stimuli overstimulating.  These type of children can be described as sensory defensive, because they find things in their environment like loud sounds, bright lights, textures, smells, touch and movement to be overwhelming. This over-responsiveness that occurs in some individuals with SPD is where the confusion comes into play with the highly sensitive person.

As previously stated, high sensitivity is a biological trait.  Yes, highly sensitive people can be overwhelmed easily, as they tend to process information more deeply, but it is situational.  Their sensory signals are not disorganized, but rather heightened depending on their environment. Highly sensitive people are able to lead normal lives, doing regular activities without the need for treatment.  The goal is to help them see their sensitivity as a strength and figure out a balance in their daily activities and environments.  For those with SPD, the goal is to help them organize their sensory input in a more effective way to help them be able to function in their daily lives.  This is done through the help of an occupational therapist.  Without effective treatment, a child with SPD usually has trouble performing everyday tasks.  

How do I know if my child is highly sensitive?

There is not a definitive list to confirm that someone is highly sensitive; however if you are looking for a place to start to get a general idea, there is an excellent self-test that can be taken on Dr. Elaine Aron’s site.  According to Dr. Aron, the four things all highly sensitive people have in common can be summed up in the acronym D.O.E.S.  (Depth of Processing, Over Stimulation, Emotional Responsiveness & Empathy and Sensitive to Subtleties.)

Did I cause my child to be highly sensitive?

Well yes and no.  High sensitivity is a biological trait.  In regards to nature vs. nurture, yes the trait was passed on to your child genetically so it involves your genes; however how you raise a child has nothing to do with them becoming highly sensitive.  

If it’s genetic, does that mean at least one parent is highly sensitive too?

Not necessarily.  Even though high sensitivity is an inherited trait, it doesn’t mean that it has to come directly from a parent.  In talking with parents of HSCs, I have found that one parent, if not both, usually have this trait.  It could also be inherited from a close relative in the family tree.  No matter who is or is not highly sensitive, it is so important for parents to be on the same page when deciding how to best interact, discipline and care for an HSC.  There can be varying opinions about the term “high sensitive” and resistance to accept this as true.  Therefore, educating yourself as a parent or caregiver on all aspects of raising a highly sensitive child is essential.  

If you are parenting an HSC, I cannot recommend The Highly Sensitive Child by Dr. Elaine Aron enough!  It is the best resource I have come across for understanding my highly sensitive kids.  There is a dedicated chapter that gives powerful insight into raising an HSC when you, the parent, are not highly sensitive.  There is also a chapter for when both a child and parent are highly sensitive.

Is it more common in females?    

beginner guide to understanding the highly sensitive girl

Nope.  Does this surprise you?  I admit that I wrongly made this assumption when I first began learning about highly sensitive people. Dr. Elaine Aron states however that, “The trait is equally divided between males and females.”  Unfortunately, in today’s society, expressing emotion and sensitivity is a much more acceptable behavior for a girl than a boy, thus you see it more frequently.  

Teaching boys to be “tough” and emotionally self-controlled is the norm.  They are encouraged, or learn on their own through negative experiences, to hide their sensitive side, while girls are able to embrace it. Sadly, these expectations tell sensitive boys to act in a way that directly conflicts with their highly sensitive trait.  

This is where supportive and effective parenting is crucial.  Parents, especially fathers, need to take the time to understand and embrace their sensitive boys.  Taking the right approaches will help sensitive boys thrive!

Are all highly sensitive children introverts?

No.  Each highly sensitive child is unique.  Some are extroverts. Some are introverts.  One HSC may react to overstimulation with tantrums, while another may shut down and withdraw.  Some are more sensitive to new situations and people, while others are more emotionally sensitive.

According to Dr. Elaine Aron, “One reason for the variation among highly sensitive children is that temperament traits seem to be caused by several genes, each having small, cumulative effects.”

There are other sources of variation that I will not be getting into in this post; however it is important to understand that while all HSCs are sensitive to their emotional and physical environment, they will react differently depending on their genetic makeup and other variables. Both of my sons are highly sensitive children, but they are the complete opposite in temperament.  My oldest copes by turning inward and enjoys being comforted when he is overstimulated.  My youngest is much more emotionally intense.  He has a lot of demanding and persistent outbursts and does not like a lot of physical contact.  Figuring out that my youngest son was also highly sensitive took awhile.  Even though I was already raising another highly sensitive boy, their reactions to being overstimulated were completely different. 

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How can I effectively parent my highly sensitive child?

Speaking from experience, parenting an HSC can be very rewarding, but also exhausting!  While your child’s sensitivity can frustrate you at times, it is key to understand, accept and embrace their sensitivity. You will find yourself in many situations where you will have to be your child’s advocate and rock. Focusing on their strengths, creating a calming home environment, providing gentle discipline and guidance will help your HSC thrive.   

I hope that this gives you a better understanding of high sensitivity and answered some questions you may have had.  If you would like to dive deeper into the subject or want more information about raising highly sensitive children, click on the link to my other posts below and join my free Facebook group, Parents of Highly Sensitive Children. Here you will join a growing community of other parents working to understand and help their highly sensitive kids. Share your story, ask questions, and get feedback from parents going through the same challenges as you.

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